It’s funny, because this time last year, I tried to sit down and write this post. A post just for Mabel that fleshed out all of my heart and emotions surrounding my pregnancy and her (at the time, upcoming) birth. I had edited pictures and thought through what I wanted to say…and then a certain little girl burst onto the scene two weeks early and that post was never finished. There it sat in my draft folder for an entire year until today, when I have finally had enough time and thoughts to put it together.
I still can remember and feel the disbelief at seeing that positive pregnancy test. I simply just could not believe it. After 3+ years of only ever seeing, one line. one line. one line. one line. When two popped up, it was simply surreal.
I’ll never forget the feeling when I talked to my nurse over the phone and my HCG levels had more than tripled in 48 hours. I remember the roaring in my ears that drowned out everything she was saying, because she had just confirmed that not only was there a baby actually growing- but that it was growing incredibly well.
My first ultrasound- lol. The one to “confirm placement”. It didn’t show me anything to calm my anxious and reserved heart, but it didn’t cause me worry either. Things looked as wonderful as they could at that time and the excitement kept building, could this really be happening?
And, I will never forget. Shortly after this ultrasound, perhaps that very day. I had been working so hard to guard my heart from being broken. So hard to keep from getting my hopes up. So hard from being too excited. But then- I was standing in our master bedroom folding an enormous pile of laundry and I had Pandora playing. And on came Ingrid Michaelson’s version of “Can’t Help Falling In Love With You”
Wise men say
Only fools rush in
But I can’t help falling in love with you
Like a river flows
Surely to the sea
Darling, so it goes
Some things are meant to be
Take my hand,
Take my whole life, too
For I can’t help falling in love with you
And I cried. I wept over that laundry. Because I realized that I had completely and 100% absolutely fallen in love with my baby. And no amount of trying to protect my heart was going to stop that.
We had our 8 week ultrasound to hear a heartbeat and see the baby and I couldn’t even bring myself to look at the screen. I was so nervous and terrified that they would pull up the image and my uterus would be empty. It was my worst nightmare. But instead, there was a little baby with arms and legs and a fluttering heartbeat. My littlest love.
This picture has always been one of my favorites from her birthday. Jim always asks me why, because it’s a little blurry and you can’t even see her. And obviously, I look…furrowed. But, what I see and remember by looking at this photo is over three years of waiting culminating in a little girl that I can’t even believe is in my arms. The emotion I see and feel every time that I look at this picture overwhelms me.
I can say with confidence, that it has been the fastest year of my life so far.
I know I cherished every single second that I possibly could and yet it still went by incredibly way, way, way too fast.
That your little life, your beautiful, special, and wonderful life, was so worth the wait. I would go through every day, every test, every cycle, every hurt, if it meant that it would lead me to you. Because you are so precious.
And you need to know, that your little life changed me. The wait for you has made me a better person, a better friend, and a better Mother. I’m so thankful that the Mama you get to have has been through what I have, because your first year wouldn’t have looked the same if I hadn’t.
Nothing is ever taken for granted with you, my sweet girl. Because for so long, I didn’t think I would ever even have it.Every snuggle. Every wrap. Every nursing session. Every laugh. Every kiss. Every story. Every sign. They are all countless, infinite gifts reminding me over and over again of how many prayers were prayed for you.
So many people wanted you here Mabel. Not just your Mommy! Your Daddy and your sister. Every single one of your grandparents, great’s included! Your aunts and uncles, your church family, and all of our friends. We all prayed and waited and waited for you.
So, on this day, your 1st birthday, I want you to know how endlessly thankful we are for you, Mabel E. You are our second priceless gift, an absolute treasure, and we love you so, so much.