There. I said it!
Ever since we came back home from Arizona in August, I have struggled to find my groove.
It’s safe to say that I haven’t found it yet.
Immediately after we returned we started homeschooling back up, with a new co-op, all new curriculum, and a brand new routine. Mainly, with a baby who no longer naps in the mornings, making getting school done feel practically impossible.
I texted a good friend of mine who has two girls with a very similar age difference(my girls are 4.5 years). She was exactly where I am a few years ago and I needed her advice and help! She completely understood and validated everything that I was saying and feeling and pretty much just let me know, that 1) This season is REALLY hard and will be for a few more years 2) in a few years it will get a lot better! and 3) that I should be the blogger to write about how to homeschool with our particular family size.
Because, here’s the thing. In our community, most of the families are big. Like, really big. And, that is HARD. Totally not discrediting that at all. But it’s a totally different brand of hard. But for me, right now, I have two little ones that need me 100%, 100% of the time and it is impossible for me to give that to them. I have a 6(almost!) year old who needs my guidance and instruction for pretty much all of her schooling and I have an 18(almost!) month old who needs me 100% of the time. She is too little to sit and understand what I’m telling her to do and all the while she is distracting Abigail which makes it hard for her to stay focused and get anything done and I’m trying to teach and Mabel is scream yelling at me and asking to nurse for the 10th time of the morning because it gives her attention and ah! It’s just all really hard!
The other evening we were sitting in the living room and I looked over(my eyes might have been closed though) at Jim and just said, “Homeschooling is really hard.” And he was encouraging and was like, “I know it is. But you’re doing it! And Abigail is learning so much!” and things of that nature.
But that’s not all!
Let’s also briefly talk about the fact how Jim and I are doing this all solo. We have zero family here to help us and we never get a break. Someone asked me recently, “What do you guys do for date night?” and I was like “uhhh, we don’t.” Because we don’t have anyone to babysit for us for that to happen.
And I sometimes get SO jealous of people who get to go to Dr.’s appointments by themselves or to the store or….pretty much anything. Because, I NEVER get that. If I go somewhere by myself it is because I’ve left the kids with Jim- but mostly, they just come (literally) everywhere with me.
SO- now let’s swing back the other direction. I am so happy. I am so thankful. I am doing the number one thing that I have always wanted to do in my whole entire life. My girls are my whole world and I love them so stinkin much and there is nothing NOTHING I would rather do than stay home with them and homeschool them and be around them pretty much always.
And it’s hard to ever air what you’re really feeling or thinking in hard moments because at the end of the day, they’re the greatest blessing of my life and I have spent literal years praying for what I have now- BUT it doesn’t mean that it’s all sunshine and rainbows and easy peasy because of that. It’s still hard work, it’s still trying, and it’s still overwhelming. And while most days, I can be pretty good at keeping my crap together, lately, I haven’t. It has been like a slow snowball effect that just keeps accumulating in me feeling like I’m going downhill faster that I can control it.
Jim and I have been going to weekly marriage counseling(our pastor comes to our house of an evening after the kids are in bed- pretty much the only way we’d be able to make that work) and I’m sorting through and working through all of this stuff- and I have all of these hormones going nuts from breastfeeding and sort of slowing down and then not and my body is like what the heck is happening- and I’m taking care of the girls 100% of the time and I’ve become this mom AND teacher and I’m trying to figure out how to be both and I’m still learning how to navigate the whole sister sibling dynamic thing annnnnd typing all of that out makes me want a glass of wine 🙂
I recently told Jim how I was feeling and so he took it upon himself to hire two girls from church to come twice a month for a couple of hours to watch the girls so I can go somewhere else BY MYSELF.
Yesterday was the first time for me to EVER have something like that in my almost SIX years of motherhood. I left for two hours and I ate lunch. And I got my nails done. And I came home, and I told Jim that I think that will need to happen more than just twice a month, lol.
Whew, so. This is a heavy post and I don’t have a happy la dee dah ending for it. But this has all been kind of brewing under the surface and I knew that I needed to get it typed out.
I guess if it helps one other Mama(whether she’s a homeschool mom or not) to feel like, yep, I’m there too, then I’m glad of it. Because, solidarity and all of that. Or, I guess, even if not, now you know a bit more of where I’m at currently and I’ll be sure to keep you posted if I ever find that groove again 😉
:Edited To Add:
I think this conversation is really important and I have already gotten a lot of great comments- many of which aren’t coming to my email for me to reply to(grr!) so I’m going to be replying in the comment section below. Thanks for all of your feedback and I’d love to hear more of your thoughts!